Mindless living

You're not a dead, 
but
you're not alive either.
You're just a ghost with a beating heart.
You're laughing with people at school,
but you're not happy.
You have lots of friends, 
but you still feel lonely.
You're going to parties, 
but you're not having fun. 
You are there, 
physically.
In classroom, 
in club, 
in your room,
or at doctor. 
But you're not there with your minds. 
Just your body standing.
You just can't seem to be there, 
because whenever you try to catch a moment, 
whenever you try to have fun,
your minds wander away.  
you want to be alive, 
but even if you're desperately trying to
you just can't. 
There are other things on your minds,
that keep you away. 

Karolina x

Life cycle

Once upon a time there was a girl.
She smiled a lot.
She was helpful.
She used to hang around in the park next to her home.
She used to also run around and hug people.
Just randomly.
Sharing small acts of kindness.
All she wanted from life was happiness.
Yet, there was big disappointment waiting for her.
Something she wasn't aware of.
The truth about life.
It was not as pretty as it seemed.
Actually,
It was a lot more harder than she could imagine at such young age.
She stopped smiling.
She stopped hanging around
Instead she spent all her time in bed.
She became a person she never wanted to be.
A person that has lost her joy of life.
She wondered what went wrong?
What changed that happy little girl into sad woman?
Life.
Life destroyed her.

Karolina x

Everybody has a story

You see this girl behind the McDonald's counter ready to take your order.You think to yourself how pathetic she is. What you don't know is that she might be working her ass off because her family doesn't have enough money. 

You see this boy with long sleeve hoodie in the middle of the summer.  You think to yourself how weird he is. What you don't know is that he's trying to hide his wrists full of scars. 

You see this middle aged woman in supermarket who's hardly spending any money on things she likes.  You think to yourself how poor she is. What you don't know is that her husband left her and her 3 kids alone. 
You see so many people everyday yet you judge them. You see faces,  designer clothes or the newest iphones.
But I reckon that you never stop to wonder what's their story?

What makes them sad?

What's their pain?

You know, the thing is that every person you meet is fighting a battle you don't know about.

Karolina x

I live in a bubble

And she kept convincing herself, 
that someone will love her, 
that she is beautiful, 
that she is worth more, 
that something amazing was waiting for her.
She started to believe, lies she told herself were becoming reality, but it didn't help.
Instead.
She started to live in a bubble.
She didn't want to go out.
She didn't flirt with boys. 
She was too comfortable in her bubble, too safe to risk.
And maybe that's what was destroying her slowly.
Slowly, she became her own slave.
And even if it started innocently, because she was only convincing herself that someone will actually want her. 
Her minds went in different direction.
You know, 
that's the funny thing about our minds.
Sometimes we start to think about small things,
yet we never know where our minds will wander.


Karolina x

Future

Today I met with my friend, and we were talking about some random stuff as always. One thing lead to another, I said that in 20 years i will 'blah blah' and we talked a little about our lives in 20 years. I imagined myself living in Hawaii with my second husband because my first husband turned out to be asshole and i moved there from NYC. 
Sounds like crazy plan for life?
YES
Do I even care?
No!
I realized one thing though.
I don't wanna wake up in 10 years or even 20 in bed, sent my kids to school, go to work, then come back, eat dinner with family and then sleep, then wake up and repeat the process.
I don't want routine.
I don't even know what I will be doing in 5 years, 
Maybe i will be finishing university...
..or maybe i will be in Africa helping kids
I have no idea
I don't know what I want to do for living.
Or how many kids I will have.
I mean, I could plan, to have job in bank and have 2 kids 
BUT
Life defines plans.
So I don't see a point in planning life.
Because I don't want to be dissappointed if they won't work out.
I want to explore
See where life takes me.
Maybe I will end up in brazil or maybe in Australia.
Maybe I will be a bank account or maybe a teacher.
I want to do things, go and see new places, learn, explore and admire world.
Maybe in 20 years my life will be stable but as for today i don't know what it will be like in 20 years.


Karolina x

What does love even mean?

Ted Mosby, I must admit that these are the truest words you've ever said and I've ever heard.

Okay, okay.

But what if...

what if there's no 100% accurate definition of "love"

I mean everybody has their own definition of love, so love is very universal. 

We cannot say somebody's idea of love is wrong because we think so. 

No, that would be really wrong to behave like that.

We cannot also say that if somebody has fallen in love at age of 18 it'll fall apart quickly because they are young.

No, love comes at different ages for everybody.

Some find it at age of 18 some at age of 35.

That's just how it is.

We may say it's unfair, that some people have to wait more for love. 

But maybe they aren't ready for it until certain age.

Love is such a weird and complicated thing/emotion/whatever.

or maybe there's no love, and we just made it up to feel better, to not feel alone.

Heh, love- weird and undefined yet one of the most important things in our life.

Karolina x