The Loss

At first I felt nothing,
like it never happend.
First days were spent with friends,
I was never alone,
therefore there was no time to feel,
to feel the feelings that cumulated in me for days.
I honestly felt nothing.
Then I saw you,
you looked happy,
and that's when it hit me.
The feelings I've been holdin' inside me for all this time, 
they exploded.
I realized what happened,
and there was no turning back.
So many thoughts going on in my head at once. 
So many words I wanted to express,
but the pain made me numb, 
pain made me unable to write few words, 
so writting something longer to express the feelings, 
yes, it felt impossible.
I wanted to pick up all the pieces and understand.
but when I did...
I blamed myself for everything.
Making tea made me cry,
because I was trying to understand,
when did it all went wrong,
which day was the day.
Then I stopped blaming myself,
instead I blamed you.
I blamed you for not telling me what was going on,
I blamed you for not fighting,
I blamed you for not believing in me,
I blamed you.
But the blame is mutual.
It's OUR fault,
not mine or yours.
When I was aware of that,
I could move on.
But here comes the tough part.
Understanding that life happens can be painful.
Putting up with real life can be painful.
But coping with a loss of someone that was the most important person in your life,
someone who you made plans and dreams with,
this
this can be the most painfull thing.
But,
there's no rainbow without rain.


P.S.: This one is very personal, so don't judge, we all deal with life differently. I write. 


Karolina x