Drunk&happy

She was sitting on the balcony,
drunk.
11 degrees.
Cold wind was planting small kisses on her face.
She was listening to small drops of rain hitting the ground.
She smiled to herself.
She hasn't felt such happiness in awhile.
In that moment everything felt perfect. 
Nothing could destroy that.
Not even her parents that were arguing all day, 
not even her brother and his stupid comments about her new dress,
not even her best friend that was talking about her boyfriend 24/7.
She didn't feel the pain anymore.
She decided not to feel pain.
For the first time in forever she felt like she was able to decide about her life, 
about her feelings.
She felt the control, 
which she hasn't felt in years, 
and this felt so real to her.

Karolina x

Big city dreams

There's something about big cities.

The way people behave,
the way they walk,
or even breathe.
It's just different...

Everybody's in rush, 

not caring if somebody looks bad,
not caring if they look bad at all,

no gossips or weird gazes.
People will make small talks with you,
without any discrimination.

Their mentality is distinctive.
Once you notice it, 
you will want to stay in there forever.
You will crave the air of big city.
You will want to just walk over streets.
Admire it.
Admire the beauty you've never seen.
Admire the difference.
Even being sad in a big city seems kinda magical.

Karolina x

State of sadness

Do you wanna know the worst thing about sadness?
No, it's not the sadness itself.
No, it's not  the pain or numbness.
It's going too deep into this state that it becomes your point of view.
That's probably the scariest thing that can happen.
Getting caught up in this state.
State of sadness.
State of nothing.
That when something good happens you just can't hold it.
You get scared. 
You have panic attacks.
Because being happy is so unreal, 
so different that you're afraid of this feeling.
You prefer to sit in your room all day, 
in your comfort zone.
Because getting out of it is too hard.
It's even worse when you fall in love.
You can't handle it.
You don't want to see people. 
It seems like too much. 
You're just living from one sad moment to another.
Because you feel that you don't deserve happiness.
It's something you're not used. 
And you know from experience that even you began to be happy it always ends for a long time.
So what's the point of being happy anyway.
You just don't know.

Karolina x

2k16?

New Year.

New chances. 
to screw everything up.
New days.
for when you wish you were dead.
New resolutions.
you won't accomplish.
They say:
New Year. New Me.
Is this really the case?
No.
When you look at the previous year you think about all the things that went wrong.
About what you regret or could do better.
For me all this 12 months were different.
Days of tears, numbness.
Days of being torn.
But also, 
days of happiness, cheerful moments.
Memories are what I keep in my heart.
Even the bad ones.
Because, when I sum up all this year.
And the person I'm one year later.
I'm grateful.
I'm grateful for every tear,
for every bad moment.
All of this lead me to the person I am today.
They way I think changed.
I'm not gonna categorize 2015 as bad or good year.
This is about who I had to become to be the person I am today.

Karolina x